


Of A Feather

by yarroway



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, House M.D.
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack Crossover, Harry Potter References, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 19:32:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2037252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yarroway/pseuds/yarroway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>House knows that team building exercises are usually an idiotic waste of time, but he has no idea what Foreman's British consultants have planned.  Neither does Foreman...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of A Feather

“Thank you all for coming,” Foreman said.

House leaned over to Wilson and said quietly, “I’d rather be coming.”

“Wouldn’t we all?”

Foreman, who either hadn’t heard them or didn’t want to admit to it, continued, “…to our first annual team building exercises. We have two experts here to work with us today, Fred and George Wesley.”

“Weasley,” said one red-headed man. He had a thick English accent, and wore a baggy blue sweater over tan pants. “I’m Fred and this is my brother, George.” George, who looked exactly like Fred and wore identical clothes, nodded in greeting.

House whistled. “Foreman, you imported team-builders from Britain? Couldn’t you find anyone that useless in the USA? Where’s your patriotism?”

The Weasleys looked annoyed. “We have a unique approach that hasn’t yet made its way to this country,” George said.

“Really? What’s that? Rope mazes? Shoe sorting? Or do we all have to hug?”

“Dr. House,” Fred (or George, House couldn’t tell them apart) said, “we guarantee that you’ll find this workshop magical.”

“Not magical,” George (or Fred) said urgently. “There’s no such thing as magic.”

“Of course not. Transformative. That’s what I meant.”

“Transformative?” House asked. “What is it going to transform? My relationships with my employees? No, pretty sure they’ll still hate me after the afternoon is over. My relationship with Foreman? I won’t respect him no matter what you do. “

The team builders smiled. They weren’t nice smiles, and having two identical ones beamed his way unsettled House.

“It will transform you,” Fred said. Or George. There was something uncomfortable about not being able to tell them apart. Undoubtedly they knew that and used it deliberately, hence the identical outfits and haircuts.

Foreman broke in. “House, Diagnostics’ Employee Affiliatative Systemic Quotient was the lowest of all the departments in the hospital.”

“Do you even know what that means?” House demanded. “You can’t, because it has no meaning. You got it out of a management book, and the idiot who wrote that didn’t know either. He just made it up.”

“Can it!” Park yelled. “We’re going to have to do this anyway. Let’s just hurry up and get it over with.”

“Sound philosophy,” Fred (or George), said, and took out a stick. He pointed it at her. “Revelio!”

Park vanished. In her place a cricket chirped loudly.

George (or Fred) also had a stick. He pointed his at Chase. “Revelio!”

Chase vanished. A ferret sat where he’d just been standing. It licked itself.

“Revelio!” Adams became a bird and flew straight at the window. THWACK! She hit it hard, and _fwump_ , she fell to the floor, stunned.

“Revelio!” Foreman turned into a Rottweiler. He jumped onto House’s desk chair with a grunt.

“Revelio!” Taub became a hare and hopped off.

It occurred to House that either he’d been slipped some very good drugs, or people were turning into animals. Being the extraordinary diagnostician that he was, he quickly determined that he was neither high nor hallucinating.

“We’re on a spirit quest,” Fred (or George) intoned. “We seek the true nature of the members of your team.”

George (or Fred) aimed his stick at House. “Rev--”

“No!” House interrupted swiftly. “There isn’t enough room in this office for all the dead people. Plus viewers have seen that like a million times already.”

George (or Fred) turned instead to Wilson, pointed his stick, and said, “Revelio!”

In short succession, several animals appeared and disappeared where Wilson had stood. A hedgehog, curled up in a spiny ball. A chameleon which promptly changed color and seemed to disappear into the carpet it stood upon. A fox looking mischievously at the other creatures. He resolved finally into a gorilla, black except for the silver hair on his back, who sat calmly and contemplated the room out of human-looking eyes.

THWACK! _fwump_. Adams cheeped weakly from the floor. Chase climbed the bookshelf. Foreman took House’s ball in his mouth and drooled. Park hopped under the desk. Taub nibbled something he’d found on the floor.

“Well, then,” said Fred and George. “We hope you’ve enjoyed today’s session. Please call us again.”

“Wait,” House protested. “You can’t leave now.”

Fred and George looked at each other vaguely. “Yeah. We can.”

House turned to glance at his team.

“Gotcha!” yelled one Weasley, and “Revelio!” the other shouted.

A tingle spread through House’s limbs. He felt them shift and lighten. Arms became wings. Feathers sprang from his skin. His neck lengthened. A beak grew from his face. He heard Adams cheep and Park chirp, but the sounds were different and his vision was different. He cocked his head, trying to bring his eyes into focus.

“What the hell?” House said, but it came out as a bugling sound. He was delighted. He made it again, flapping his wings as he sang, louder and louder, again and again, until his voice echoed off the walls and drowned out every other sound.

The Weasleys held their hands over their ears. Foreman growled, his hackles raised. Adams twittered madly and flew into the wall. Park fell silent. Chase pushed House’s books onto the floor and hid inside his homemade den. Taub’s ears stood up at attention, both swiveled towards House. Then he leapt across the office and hid under the credenza.

This was _way_ cool. House bugled again.

Something touched his back. House stopped mid-note.

It was Wilson. House was aware of the heaviness of that hand, of the power in it. A gorilla’s strength far eclipsed a human’s, and birds were fragile. Wilson could cripple or kill House without meaning to, without even thinking about it. House had no idea how disoriented Wilson was by his change, how human his thinking was, or even if he were thinking at all.

Wilson’s massive hand lay unmoving on his back. Then, very gently, the fingers began to glide across House’s feathers. It was a strange sensation, but not an unpleasant one.

House, lulled, pulled one long leg up to his chest.

After a few minutes, Wilson picked House up. He carried him under his arm over to Fred and George Weasley, and put him gently down in front of them. He looked at them and grunted.

The Weasleys got the message. They changed everyone back. Foreman just barely spat out the ball in time, tooth marked and covered in saliva.

“Right, then,” Fred (or George) said. “Everyone take a seat. You all learned something about yourselves and each other today on your, um, vision quest, and that knowledge will help you better relate to your colleagues and understand each of your unique contributions to the team. George is passing paper around. Everyone write down five things you learned and hand them in to Dr. Foreman.”

“No need to note that cranes are loud,” George (or Fred) added. “We all got that.”

*********************

Later that night, House and Wilson lay on House’s bed. Wilson had been talking for what felt like hours about why House had turned into a whooping crane and what that meant in terms of House’s psyche. House wanted to sleep, but Wilson was still going on about circles of happiness and the migratory instinct.

Sex hadn’t shut Wilson up. Turning off the light hadn’t shut him up. House tried saying good night, but not even that shut him up. Wilson should have transformed into a parrot.

Then House realized that Wilson was so chatty because he was panicking. He turned on the light. Wilson’s voice was utterly normal, but there was a tension in his face that House had overlooked.

He let Wilson talk, let the sound wash over him as he thought. Everyone, even House himself, had turned into an animal. One animal. Wilson had changed into four different animals. Why was that? Because Wilson had no core, or had no idea what it was. Had Wilson deliberately chosen a large, intelligent animal at the end, to protect the others? Was the gorilla a manifestation of Wilson’s incessant need to take care of people? Yes, House thought, it probably was. Wilson’s reflex, always, was to appear to be what others needed him to be, and that was what he was comfortable with others seeing. Had catching a glimpse of his real self, the other animals, been overwhelming? It seemed likely.

What possible connection did this all have to migration, a topic Wilson had been circling back to for hours? Was he expecting House to ‘migrate’ away, i.e., to reject the person within the persona, or at least to be conflicted about it? Because if Wilson was, he’d figure everyone else would be too. The answer fit.

“I know why I was a whooping crane, ” House said.

Wilson stopped talking. In the dim light his pupils were huge. “Why?” he breathed.

House rested his palm over Wilson’s heart. “They mate for life.”

Wilson made no response, but emotions flooded his face—shame, sadness, hope. Then they were gone. Hidden.

Beneath his hand, House felt the rapid beating of Wilson’s heart gradually return to normal. He kept his hand in place while Wilson’s breathing deepened and his muscles loosened. He kept it there until Wilson began to snore. Then, snug in his roost, House fell contentedly asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: these characters and their worlds belong to David Shore, Universal Television, Heel and Toe Productions, J.K. Rowling and probably a lot of other people. They do not belong to me. I'm not making any money from this.


End file.
